Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
