So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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