If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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