So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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