He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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