Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
