I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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