If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
