Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
