she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
