glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
