I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
