Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize