I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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