I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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