they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
