I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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