I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
