I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
