Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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