I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I lost the right to judge tonight
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
