my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
