I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
