I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize