God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
