He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
