we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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