genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
