U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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