I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
