HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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