You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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