I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
