All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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