I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
