Don't make out with my wife yet
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
