Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
