well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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