I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
