Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
