I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
