You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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