You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Green mimosas i think yes
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
