her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
