i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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