There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
