can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
