epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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