in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
