as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
