Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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