I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
