He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
