just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize