sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
