Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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