i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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