you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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