any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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